"For I know the plans I have for you, "Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men
stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their
strength. They will soar on wings like
eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be
faint." Isaiah 41:30-31 February 7, 2007 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is
not proud. It is not rude, it is not
self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices
with the truth. It always protects,
always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 Today I feel defeated, disappointed, sad, angry, hurt, and bitter. I thought that we could have been something
together. But I should have seen it coming, a result of my naivete and foolishness. I ask for healing and I ask that you would
teach me to forgive and to love and not be afraid to trust again. Please, let me not be angry. Please, I just ask that you would shower him with blessings and allow me to watch you work in his life. I am slipping and I am reaching out for your hand. Do not forsake me, oh God, you are my rock and my solid foundation. Help me to remember that the Lord gives and
the Lord takes away. March 10, 2007 "Their destiny is destruction, their god is their
stomach, and their glory is their shame.
Their mind is on earthly things."
Philippians 3:19 My mind is very messy these days. I’m concerned that my actions and thoughts
come from dissatisfaction with how I look.
A belief that if I’m skinnier I’ll be prettier and I’ll boost my
self-confidence. That seems to be the
problem these days. Insecurity and lack
of confidence. I base so much of my self-worth
on the things I accomplish and my body and how much I am loved by others, but
that shouldn’t be the case at all!
Self-worth should be constant, not rising and falling in response to
circumstances. I am a slave to my stomach and my greed, to my hunger and desire to
control what I eat. I am a slave to my
heart, my emotions, and my desire for others to love and affirm me. My glory is the things I accomplish in school
and the way I look in the morning. My
mind is on earthly things. I'm pretty disgusted with myself, knowing the pitfalls of the teenage years and the influence of media, yet powerless to resist it. What does it
mean to be loved by God? It means I
don’t have to be affirmed by anyone else, that there is no judgment, but an
understanding that surpasses all knowledge. It is freedom. And the question really is whether or not I have the faith to grab hold of this freedom. “O Lord, you have searched me and you know
me. You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar. You
discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it
completely, O Lord.” Psalm 139:1-4 May 11, 2007 "What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on
men. He has made everything beautiful in
its time. He has also set eternity in
the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to
end. I know that there is nothing better
for men than to be happy and do good while they live. That everyone may eat and drink, and find
satisfaction in all his toil - this is the gift of God." Ecclesiastes 3:9-13 I wrote my Sociology papers from 7 am to 1 am yesterday and
today is another big day of writing and it’s only 6 in the morning. I am tired and weary and I'm wondering, why? Where does this drive come from? Why are A's so important to me!? Is it really okay to rest and in a sense, give up? Settle? No, I know my nature. As long as there is still a sliver of hope and as long as I have the breath and time, then I will somehow find the will to finish these papers. The best word to describe my state of mind is
desperation. How I desperately need to
focus these next few days to pull off the grades I want. (But for what?) I am so
desperately scared that I am not good enough.
And desperately I try to block off these thoughts of hopelessness when I
work. I seek your comfort, your
inspiration, your peace. Perhaps, if there is a
season for everything then this is the season of work for me. So grant me your strength, courage, patience,
and endurance to get through this. And let me not be consumed by the grades but by the principle of honest effort and persistance. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the
Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a
future. Then you will call upon me and
come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord,
'and will bring you back from captivity.'" Jeremiah 29:11-14
plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 melodini: weblog - photos - videos - audio - pulse - profile - subscribe!
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Name: Melody
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Interests: papermate pens, chapstick, lotion, volleyball, sleeping, my lovely Savior Jesus Christ :)
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Diary Entries
Oh dear, what an intense school year! I'm so proud of all the 07'ers who just graduated. :P And proud of all the '06 people for making it through our first year of college.. And the older people.. haha you guys are old and weathered anyway, right? But hoorah, good job!
I guess it's that time of year again. Reflections on what I've done with my life. It's funny that we don't spend more time on these things. I feel like it would really help focus our lives if we thought about our actions and decisions more frequently. I grew a lot this year, learning to be comfortable around other people and myself. I remember at the end of junior year, all burnt out, I wrote an entry about hoping to feel comfortable around myself again. I don't think I actually accomplished that until this year. I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I want to be when I "grow up", why I want to be what I want to be, and how I'm going to make it happen.. I've also been convicted time and time again to release my burdens and surrender the things that I can't possibly ever have control over. I found that I was by myself a lot this past year... just thinking. About God, about me, my friends, my future, my life. And it's weird because I've never felt this self-centered before. =\
Anyway, I compiled some diary entries I wrote during second semester, which was a very difficult semester to get through for a variety of reasons. I hope someone can relate... :)
Sunrise!
I love the way that darkness turns to light. It's such a gentle transformation, how the blue slowly pushes out the black, how the shadows fade and finally disappear. And the clouds.. the things of nature that evade us in the night and suddenly appear in pinks and oranges and an unassuming presence.
My favorite part about the sunrise is hearing the birds. I love to hear their excitement for the new day. A ceaseless pleasure from a daily phenomenon. Light, it gives us life when it comes, doesn't it? It's like nature puts on a new face to greet humanity every morning, and we sleep through its efforts, and stress through its beauty so that we cannot appreciate the life that is before us.Xanga Community!
Awww.. Xanga. :) I have such great memories about this place. I don't even know why I'm so addicted to facebook - there's nothing there except the ability to stalk other people... Or maybe that's the reason? Haha I don't know.
I knew I held back a bit academically in high school because I was distracted by all these other extracurriculars. But I never never expected myself to be THIS intense. And just knowing I have more in me (and that I'll need to tap into that eventually..)? To reach new limits on how thin you can spread yourself and how long you can sit staring into a textbook and going through notebook after notebook of notes? CRAZY X.x
Sometimes I have trouble sleeping at night because my body has finally laid down but my mind is still running at a thousand thoughts per minute. When I close my eyes to rest I can still see all those thought and images. I worry about my paper that's due, I make it a point to remember to exchange this one word, "thinks," to "insists," and I worry that I'll forget. Then I switch to Chemistry where I envision a practice problem in the text. I think about how to count energy differences and I try hard to remember the numbers on the page. So I end up laying there, flipping molecules around in my head, adding up the energy difference between two chairs of trans-1,2-dimethylcyclohexane. It can get kind of tiring. Just all these worries popping around in my head and it makes it hard to sleep at night.
But other than that... life is going well? I just finished my chem midterm yesterday! And turned in my paper this morning. Finally some time to relax - I'm excited! I hope the xanga community is well. I kind of miss writing...Wow it's been so long since I last updated... Merry Christmas! And good news - I got baptized yesterday! :D It was super exciting and a great big hug and thank you for everyone that made it. :)
So yes, the first semester of college has come and gone. It's really hard!! But not impossible, as I expected. Which is good, I think... haha how are my Monta Vista kids doing? Please update me on your life if you even still use xanga! Sorry guys I kind of converted to facebook... but I do still read my xanga subscriptions sometimes!! hehe
The life of a student is crazy simple, if you think about it. All you need to do is go to school, study, and figure out what to eat for your next meal. Nothing crazy like caring for a spouse or children, paying the electric bill, etc. I feel so lucky to be able to be so BORED during break and have all this time to laze around and sleep. Just think, in a couple years "winter break" will seem like a foreign concept! Unless you're going to med school - then you have until you're like 26 to be a student. (yay? haha)
So enjoy break!! :D :D It's good stuff. Merry Christmas, everyone! God bless your soul.Yesterday was the first rainfall of the season and I'm sad! :( I bite my thumb at you, rain! I don't like the way it smells I don't like the way it gets your jeans wet so you can feel it at the back of your legs and I don't like the clumsiness associated with carrying umbrellas. The best part about rain is when it stops. And the sun comes out. And life is happy again. Or when it's raining inside and you are safe and warm and cozy and dry INside. Then it's tolerable. But just the thought of having to maneuver around the water drops to get into your car and drive in the rain when you can't see properly, then try your best to open your umbrella without having the rain drip on you or the interior of your car and stepping around all the puddles is BLEH. >=(
Well anyway... it's not raining right now! :) :) :) HAPPY DAYS!
I really like non-rainy Autumn days. I like the way the sun sets early and how the cold settles in so you have an excuse to dress warmly. I love the scent of it... it reminds me of home and volleyball and Monta Vista and all the good memories associated with sitting at my desk after a warm shower and how I used to take pause and feel the night breeze through the window and admire the color of the sky as the sun sets. Mmmm how beautiful. Yes that's my favorite memory.
And I love to look out windows, I've realized. I think it's the way the frames remind me of a picture. And I love to stare out into these masterpieces over and over again.
~ ~ ~
And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:17-19
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